The Happy Onion

Onions are a pain in the butt.  Delicious, yes, but a pain in the butt.  You love them.  You WANT to put them in everything.  You WANT your house to smell like the delicious awesomeness they produce when they're sweating *ever so gently* on the stove......but.....they don't love you back.  Onions, just like Ryan Reynolds, will never love you back.  (Side note: I wonder if they love Blake Lively?)  They will sting your eyes, they will make you cry, they will make your life hell, and they will REFUSE to feel bad about it.  So what ON EARTH is a girl to do????

WHOA

Take a step away from the ski goggles, girlfriend. They're not the answer!!!

And take that bread out of your mouth you look stupid.

I have a secret, and the secret is called how to properly chop onions and not cry.  Ok, maybe it's not a secret.  It's pretty basic technique.  Whatever.

1) Begin with a VERY sharp knife.  Super duper sharp.  When onions cells break they release propanethiol S-oxide nasty gas that combines with your tears to form sulfuric acid, which makes your eyes sting and tear.  A sharper knife breaks fewer cells.  Baddabing baddaboom.

2) Cut the onion in half directly through the root so each resulting half, has root attached to it.  The root holds the onion together during the cutting process so everything stays neat and organized, and the gases stay in there.

3) Cut off the tip of the onion and use this edge to peel off the outer most layer of flaky onion skin so you're left with just the flesh.

4) Make 1 to 2 horizontal cuts into the onion, toward the root but being careful to stop before cutting through it.

5) Make vertical cuts into the onion, again, being careful not to cut the root.

6) Make horizontal cuts perpendicular to the last ones you made.

7) Throw away the root, and you have a perfect onion chop!